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Previously on Dumbgeons and Dragons.
We were unknowingly robbed at the last hell we were in.
But now you're telling me you have no money.
How do you not realize you don't have 500 gold?
That is quite a hefty just by weight.
Well, in our defense, we didn't know we had 500 gold to start with.
That's true.
And in my defense, I have quite the bubble booty.
There is a job posting board that could get you perhaps
the money you require to first pay me back.
Would food poisoning work for your little endeavors?
Yeah, no, this is going to really do the trick.
Yeah, when she sees what's coming out of you,
she's not going to come anywhere near you.
Oh, dear Lord.
I walk up to her confidently and I say,
I think you might be the bot I'm looking for.
Wonderful, wonderful.
Well, come have a seat.
Come have a seat.
Oh, thank you.
I must figure out what kind of jobs that these dirty jobs are
that you will be suggesting to me.
Pea collector, order judge, manual fart releaser,
dead person puppetry.
Hi, I'm Wise Master Mesix.
Well, Wise Master Mesix, I'll return with my friends in the morning.
I would expect so.
Tomorrow morning, be here before the bandit.
Welcome to Dumbgeons and Dragons.
We're a D&D fifth edition actual play podcast
and I'm your dungeon master, Russ More.
And with me today is Amy More.
I knew you were going to say that because I was mouthing along with you.
So were you really saying the words or was I making you say the words with my mind?
And I play Sullivan's slight.
I'm just a puppet.
Also with me today, Carla Maxted.
Not really comfortable with Amy having that kind of power,
but also I kind of like it.
So I'm not sure what that says about me, but I play Glim.
She tells me I have to like it.
And finally, Tom Laird.
Amy totally freaked my mind.
So it's going to take me a few minutes to recover and I'm playing moot.
Well, we're starting with some really weird energy today, everybody.
We just talked about how the world was awful
and now how Amy controls everything.
Oh, I went from controlling my husband to everything.
The world would be so awful.
That's right.
Just just me.
So anything might be a little harder.
Anything that happens in this episode is now Amy's fault.
Oh, perfect.
As if I wasn't.
You seem so intrigued.
Blame for stuff anyway.
That also means Amy gets all the credit for all the good things.
That's true.
I'm willing to take that based on the notes I have written down here today.
Oh, the note wasn't reward party with riches, magical items.
Oh, no, we have to earn them monies.
Got to earn them monies so you can pay exorbitantly high priced potatoes.
Potatoes.
So hard for money.
I have to say I really laughed when the episode came out in the feed
and was literally called potatoes with an exclamation mark.
It was very funny.
Potatoes.
There's no other name for it.
Where you can help us name things like NPCs and items is over on Patreon.
Patreon.com slash dumb dragon cast.
Where when you are a patron, you get an episode dedicated to you.
Like today's patron, Michael Newman.
Thank you, Newman.
Newman.
Took on a real Seinfeld vibe here.
That's what I was going for.
And now, fuck it, let's play D&D.
We find the three of you, Moot, Glim, and Sully, standing out in the street in front of a house.
The house is blue.
The large pillars stand out amongst all the other houses on this street.
Glim, you know this is the house of wise master Mesix.
You are looking down at the note that you took off of the jobs board
here in this fine city of El Tiro.
So guys, remember the job that I went to go do?
He said bookkeepers needed, but not really.
I mean, he literally needs bookkeepers.
Bandit wizards are trying to steal his personal library of arcane books
and he wanted tough, preferably illiterate bodies to defend the
collection until he can secure safer storage.
So I went and talked to him and he thinks that I'm illiterate.
There's books everywhere and they seem like kind of random, but there's books everywhere.
Like floor to ceiling, everywhere.
And he was acting pretty strange in that he wouldn't let me see him for a very long time.
And then I did see him and I just should warn you before we meet him,
he looks a little bit unusual.
So maybe just keep that in mind and don't be surprised when you see him.
Also, I worked him up from his rate.
He was originally offering not very much money,
but instead we're going to get 75 gold for two days work.
Is that 75 gold each or 75 gold to split between the three of us?
I think each.
I feel like I was a real tough negotiator.
Oh, I like the sound of that.
Now, what do you mean when you say he looks different?
Well, he doesn't look like anyone that I've ever seen before.
But you've been like nowhere.
That's true.
You're right.
Maybe he looks normal and I just haven't seen enough of the world to know.
What does he look like?
I don't remember.
He's really tall and thin and blue and he's very-
Like he's sad or depressed?
No, like literally blue.
Like he'd been holding his breath a long time?
Well, no, like the sky or the actual coloration of his skin is blue.
Yes, I mean, it's very smooth.
His features are very smooth.
So I should ask about his skin care regimen.
Maybe, unless it turned his skin blue,
in which case only if you want your skin to turn blue.
Well, I mean, 75 gold each every two days is pretty good,
but how long is this job lasting for?
It's only supposed to take a couple days.
Oh.
He's just trying to find a place to get his books somewhere else
and these people are trying to get it, these bandit wizards.
Oh, the other thing-
Bandit wizards?
He has a really high squeaky voice.
Just so you know, just be cool is I guess what I'm saying.
How important is this being a literate thing?
I think he doesn't want the people to know what the books are about or say.
They didn't seem to be anything cohesively secret,
but I did pretend that I couldn't read them.
So maybe X-Nay the note-taking?
Okay, or maybe I could take my notes in orc.
I could just be a literate for common.
That's a really good point.
Yeah, I mean, it said a literate.
I don't know if all the books were in common,
but maybe when we go in, you'll see there's a lot of books.
And if they all seem to just be in common or not orcish,
then maybe that'd be fine.
Okay.
Should we get the details about what I've signed us up for?
Well, sure.
It kind of seems like it's a done deal now.
Should we go back and let the fine gentleman at Nodda Library know
that we're going to pay our bill in just a couple days?
Well, I thought-
Oh, I already took care of it.
Yeah, Moodle already paid it because he did the thing with the vomiting.
Maybe, yeah.
I poisoned the guy.
Yeah, sorry.
My thing took a lot longer than I expected.
Yeah, how did yours go?
Well, I know a lot of gross jobs.
Yeah, that sounds right.
I'm not surprised.
You probably were really good at that job.
It was a few hours worth of work,
but I feel like I got paid very little for it.
Let's go.
Okay.
I mean, we don't really need the money anymore,
but I guess we do need money.
Well, I mean, we do need money.
I said that we would do it.
He seems pleasant enough.
Just, yeah, you'll see.
And I go knock on the door.
You wait a moment,
and then you hear the same booming voice
come out from the door and says,
Yes?
Yes?
Why is master me six?
It's Glim and my friends.
We're here to help.
Of course.
And the door unlatches and creaks open.
Man, this guy sounds like fucking the master
of his own goddamn domain.
Well, you'll see.
You enter,
and Glim, you see the same setup as previously,
but Sully and Moot,
you see books piled high to the ceiling in some places.
And really, there's only like a path through them
that snakes its way through the living areas
and back into this main portion of the house.
Would you say kind of like how Mrs. Kim's antique shop
is in Gilmore Girls?
Oh, that's fun.
Yeah.
Don't say that like you've never seen
Gilmore Girls multiple times.
I'm presuming it's very packed
with just a snaking path through it
like I described.
Yes.
Wow, this looks like a real book lover's dream,
you know, if you're into reading
and can do such things like that.
And then I look towards Glim and I thumbs up.
I gave him a thumbs up.
I realized I did that silently.
It's a podcast.
No one knew.
You make your way back to the curtain
where previously Glim you had met wise master Mesix
and from behind the curtain
you hear the same booming voice and says,
you know, your friends cannot read, correct?
I prefer to be read too.
Yeah, I really like when people do the work for me
because it's real slow going when I try it.
Like one word an hour.
I'm legally blind in one of my eyes.
Both of you make a deception roll.
13.
19.
Mood's been lined with everyone.
Who is this guy?
Such a good liar.
Who knew?
Good, good.
All right, prepare yourselves.
I'm going to step out from the curtain now.
Okay.
Are you ready?
We're ready wise master Mesix.
The curtain is swiftly drawn back
and you see a hooded figure standing in robes.
They step forward towards you.
You see blue hands but they don't have fingers.
More just round mitten type hands come out from the sleeves.
And they raise towards the hood and lift it up over
and you see a smooth headed,
you can only describe it as somewhat alien in nature
with a tuft of small hair off the top.
And they look up at you and say,
Well, it's time to move the books now.
Okay, we're ready.
Good.
What do you need us to do?
You're going to move the books some kind of magical way
and we'll just protect you?
Or are we putting them in boxes?
Well, we could put them in boxes.
But yes, I was planning on moving some magically
so they danced like down the hallway.
But who is good at dancing?
I'm your guy.
Great.
Dancing, excellent.
And who's good at keeping watch?
We don't want the bandit wizards to sneak up on us
as we are transferring all of this wealth of knowledge.
I can keep watch.
Excellent.
I'm quite strong and big and...
Good.
Keen-eyed.
Good.
Well, I mean, we'll keep the big strong one up at the front
and the smaller ones can carry the books behind me.
That seems like a great idea.
Hold on a second.
What?
He called me big and strong, guys.
You are big and strong.
Well, I mean, I used to be bigger.
I thought he was talking about Glim, true.
I was talking about Glim.
Oh, that's so embarrassing for me.
I'm sorry.
Common isn't my first language,
so sometimes I get confused as to who's being referenced.
What is your name?
Sorry.
What is your name?
Moot.
Good.
And your name?
Sullivan Sly, but everyone calls me Sully.
Great.
Neither of you can read, right?
Yeah, buddy.
Yep.
And I have got zero interest, to be honest with you.
I have so many other interests.
How many?
Well, at least seven.
Oh, I think it's more than seven, Sully.
Well, you know.
List them.
Shock Suit Testa, Barnyard Masturbator.
So you've got some new interests from putting together your list.
That's two.
Barnyard Masturbator made the list.
Yeah.
It was just so interesting.
In the number two slot.
Cool, cool.
Professional crowd comedian heckler.
Wait, do you heckle the crowd or the comedian?
Yes.
Clothologist.
I can look at you.
Is that related to the linen arena?
Yes, it's very similar.
It's along the same lines.
Also linens, big fan of linens.
And then I also really enjoy sometimes putting colors on stuff.
And then sometimes animals intrigue me.
You are an interesting creature who has information that I do not.
I will have to pick your brain later.
Witchpot.
Putting colors on stuff.
Barnyard Masturbator.
Shock Suit Testa.
Yes.
Well, okay.
Well, we got a lot to talk about.
Good.
So who's keeping watch?
Well, I can keep watch or do you want me to lift things?
That's fine.
You can keep watch.
Okay.
You go stand up by the window there.
Okay.
Is the window blocked by books?
Yes, you must climb over the books to get to the window.
Okay.
So I go and I'm like scooting books to the side.
Edging my way sideways over to the window.
Careful.
Careful with the knowledge that is held within these tomes.
And again, what kind of like do the books seem cohesive?
It's just a jumble of like cookbooks.
Yeah, it's like it's like it's as if someone went to the library
and it was their first day at the library
and they just took out anything that looked like it was halfway interesting.
That's awesome.
So no real like I mean you see a couple books that are on magic,
a couple books just on like day-to-day financing,
some books on decorating, cooking.
A lot of self-help.
Self-helps in there.
Some books on like Are You There God?
It's Me Margaret.
A lot of chicken soup for the soul.
Whole bunch of Judy Blooms in the corner.
Reader's Digest, he's got the full, you know, gamut.
The full abridged books from Reader's Digest.
Exactly.
So you go up to the window and you are looking out
and he goes up to Moot and says,
Will you, what is your story?
One who doesn't speak very good common.
Well, I'm a half-orc.
Why just half?
Because I'm only half.
That's how it works.
He looks to Sully and says,
He understands that you don't describe something
with the same term you use to say it, right?
No, obviously he does not understand that.
But let me let you know how.
So like his someone's a human and someone's an orc
and then Sully makes a lot of real crude gestures
and then points at Moot and goes like ta-da.
He's a barnyard masturbator then.
Well, I don't know what he does on his free time, but hmm.
We'll have to talk more about both of these things.
All right, grab some books.
Come with me down this tunnel.
And he leads back behind the curtain
and there is a dugout tunnel that leads down
into the ground and back to the West.
I grab the lightest looking pile of books
and follow Master Me6.
I also grab a pile of books and cast Mayshan
to crab claw up another couple of books.
Okay, roll the Dead Sweet Beautiful D20 footage.
Four.
Okay, you're good.
Okay, you're good.
Okay, you-
Does he know what he's aiming for when he rolls that D20?
Yeah, do I?
Yeah, because he doesn't look like he knows.
Is it like more than 10 there's a consequence,
less than 10 there's no consequence?
I want to say it's like a 5% chance,
but I don't remember if it's the one or the 20.
For the Wild Magic Surge, it's the one.
Yeah, yeah, okay.
Yes, okay, you all do this.
Um, Me6 looks back at you and says,
you, how did you learn to do that?
Oh, the crab claw?
Yeah.
That's sort of my own,
my own choice on Mayshan.
Maybe you're familiar with it?
I am.
I had to read about it, though.
How did you learn it?
Oh, I had a teacher that taught me.
See, I have access to Wild Magic.
So I don't read anything to learn magic,
I just kind of try it, and sometimes it works.
And sometimes it makes me shorter.
Yeah, imagine this guy, but only like seven inches taller.
He was magnificent.
He goes wide-eyed, he says, that can happen?
It did happen, yeah.
Wow.
I'm drifting into Flamikins, I gotta watch out.
Glim, up at the front, make a perception check
as your friends follow Master Me6 down.
You also see books begin to, like,
Sorcerer's Apprentice start dancing out of the room following behind you.
15.
As this continues to happen, you see books just jumping to attention one after the other.
You hear random yelling coming from the tunnel,
like maybe they're doing something wrong.
Your friends, that is.
You see out and down the street two people who appear to be hooded,
one taller, one shorter, walking in the general direction of the house.
Why is Master Me6?
Yeah, just a second!
I forgot to ask what the bandit wizards look like.
He comes trudging up from the basement and says,
um, well, there's a couple, and they, you know what a wizard looks like.
Well, I mean, I think, no, wizards can look all sorts of different ways.
Okay, but battle wizards specifically, they wear hoods.
Oh, I mean, there's two people approaching wearing hoods right now.
Do you think?
Interesting.
Um, yes, that could be them.
Are you prepared to do battle?
Um, see what they do first, and then maybe decide to prepare to do battle.
Do you think that the, um,
do you think that the villains that are coming for your books are going to be sneaky,
or they're just gonna, just gonna barge in and start taking books?
They seem like they are very, in the past experiences I've had with them,
very forthcoming with what they are trying to do.
Okay, and is what they're trying to do take books or murder or?
Yes, primarily book taking, hence the requirement
the required muscle I need for protecting the books.
Okay, well, I'll just.
I don't know about the murder.
Be careful about that though.
I certainly will.
That sounds like it could be bad.
Okay, well, I'll just keep watch on these two then.
Great, I'm gonna give you this.
And he hands you a small device, something you've never seen before.
It's kind of a, it feels hard like steel, but a little, but not quite steel.
It's soft and it kind of crinkles to the touch.
Like it could break at any moment.
And he says, just push that button, that one right there.
And he pushes a button and it like,
so just push that when you want to say something.
And then I'll be able to hear you.
Magic.
Okay, that is, that is magic.
Did he give her a bag of tinfoil covered leftovers?
What a picture.
I think he gave me a walkie talkie.
Yes, the second one.
Which sounds like I've probably talked about this on this podcast before,
because it is literally one of my favorite terms.
Walkie talkie.
It's so, it's so literal.
It's so adorable.
So whimsical.
I'm pretty sure Canadians invented it and therefore the name.
So go Canada.
But walkie talkie sounds like something you would make up for a children's book,
but it's not.
It's like a real thing and it's great.
Well, think about movies.
You know, you're right.
In olden days, people just came up.
It's a movie.
They were very literal, weren't they?
Yeah.
I'm going to keep moving books now.
You just push the button if you need anything.
Okay, I'll let you know what they do.
He runs back down the stairs and we cut back to Moot and Sully,
who have been left alone for the moment,
and you're walking down this way carrying the books that you took.
He seemed pretty impressed when he saw my magic, hey?
Oh yeah, he thought you were the bee's knees, my friend.
Do bees have knees?
I think their little appendages do bend, so I'm going to say yeah.
Hmm, all right.
Or are they elbows?
Oh.
This is a deep conversation that Moot and Sully are getting up to in the tunnels.
You hear footsteps running up behind you again and he's like,
you're doing a great job!
And you round a bend into a wide open underground cavernous chamber.
Holy shit.
That has books piled up along a far wall and he rushes,
kind of pushes by you and rushes into this and he says, just stack them anywhere.
What are you doing with all these books, Weissmaster Mesix?
Hiding them from the battle wizards.
Why do they want to steal your books?
Because they want the knowledge that is contained within them.
Couldn't they just go to one of those book places
where you can read all those books for free?
What is that called?
I really want Sully to nail this one.
He can't now that you said that.
A bookery?
A bookery?
You mean a library, Sully?
We went to one before.
No, that wasn't a library.
You went to a library?
No, we went to not a library.
Oh, it was not a library.
That's right.
It was the well-known tavern where they charge too much money for their food.
Right?
All those potatoes.
The potatoes is where they get you.
They lure you in with how much you get.
That's why we had to take some odd jobs around to pay off those potatoes.
You had to take a job to pay?
Wow.
Well, you know what?
These sticky-fingered sons of bitch goblins stole our money.
Yeah, they were deep in the jam.
They were all turnt up.
There are many words here that don't make any sense
and you will need to explain them all right now.
Tunt means all sorts of fucked up.
There was a giant jam of jar or jam of jar of jam.
A jam of jar.
There was a giant jar of jam.
We cut back to Glim.
The two figures are now standing out front of the house.
Seems like they're conversing amongst themselves.
Pointing up to the house and opening a book,
closing a book, putting it back in their pocket.
One of them takes a drink from a flask, puts it back down.
It's waving his arms wildly.
Does Glim come out and go, I see you already have a book.
Nothing to see here.
It's nothing else for you.
I think I'm just gonna keep eyeballing them.
Can I see, I guess I can't see any, just robes.
Yeah, mostly robes.
You see beneath that they look like they have their,
I mean, you've seen like...
They're humanoid.
Yes.
Okay.
They look like humans.
Profiles.
That's the word I was looking for.
There's been a lot of wild hand motions.
Trying to figure out what the word profiling is.
Not silhouette, it's profile.
You've seen the profile of them and they appear to be humanoid,
at the very least humanoid.
What about, do they have any fingers?
They do have fingers.
Fingers, interesting.
Now, didn't think I'd be asking that when I start at this game, but here we are.
That's fair.
Okay, maintaining watch.
Yes.
Okay, back down.
The books continue moving into the chamber freely.
The three of you are just standing there,
unless you say you're specifically doing something else.
No, I think we're answering all MasterMe6 questions.
Deep in it.
He is taking notes as well and the books are piling up high behind him.
Both of you make a perception check.
Well, it's a 19 before bonuses, so I'm sure it'll be fine.
11.
Oh, it's a 19.
I have no bonus for perception.
Perfect.
Both of you see as the books begin piling up,
they're not piling in a structurally sound way
and you see them begin to tip forward towards Wise MasterMe6.
I dive at him.
Look out!
And I say, blue buddy!
And I tackle him around the waist to push him over before a stack falls on him.
Okay, make some sort of athletics, probably, or acrobatics.
Well, acrobatics is plus five, which would bring me up to 23.
You dive in front of him and as Moot yells, look out, you dive towards him.
He looks behind him and you push him and you feel this energy cast out around both of you
and the books falling hit the energy field and fall to the ground.
You see the books hit and almost bounce off of the two of them as they hit the ground.
Whoa, what was that?
We in some sort of protective bubble.
That was really cool.
Yes, yes, it's called mage armor.
Is that something you could teach me to do?
Well, one who doesn't read, you wouldn't be able to learn it from a book,
so I might have to teach you.
I mean, that would be great.
I would love that.
Can you teach me too?
I don't know how to do any magics, but it seems like it'd be real handy.
I appreciate your quick refLexes, but you seem like a lost cause in this moment.
Yeah, okay, that's fair.
I don't want to take you away from your passions of barnyard masturbation
or shark tester.
Shark suit tester.
Shark suit tester.
I forgot to say also keystering.
We'll get to that after.
He goes and begins teaching you various hand motions and telling you to repeat phrases,
that sort of thing.
And we cut back to Glim.
The two figures out in the street, you see them kind of just shrug
and one of the taller one is like pointing to the door towards the house.
Like just like you can tell he's, you know,
maybe telling the smaller person to maybe go knock and you get that kind of feeling.
It's just so hard.
Glim just wants to like open the door and be like,
do you can I, what do you need?
Do you need help?
But she's not going to do that.
After a few back and forths, the smaller humanoid defeatedly shoulders slumped,
just arms hanging, walks up to the door and then you hear just a weak knock.
I'll go to the door and say, hello?
Yeah. Hi. Um, is, uh, are you the owner of the house?
Can I help you with something?
Well, um, we have to find the owner of the house.
Oh, is it an emergency or are they in danger?
It could be the end of the world if we don't find the owner of the house.
Oh, that's very dramatic.
What's the owner's name?
Um, well, that depends what he told you.
Um, it usually revolves around, you know, some sort of me seeks.
Whatever he puts around that sometimes changes.
Please explain.
Well, can I, can I come in or you come out?
I feel like talking through the door is a little impersonal.
Oh, hold on. And I pick up the, the, the talkie walkie.
Okay.
No, I don't.
I like that you're narrating your steps for the man on the other side of the door.
I don't say that out loud.
Oops.
You said hold on.
Yeah. Um, and say master me seeks.
It's the middle now and we're back.
Off the air.
Amy told us she knew what she was going to do.
She had something.
She was ready.
And she nailed it.
She really nailed it.
It was very good.
I think you're even your mice distance.
Yeah, it was perfect.
Levels did not peak.
Wow.
Perfect.
I'm learning.
I was going for, um, maybe like, uh, some sort of like, uh, Brazilian, um, soccer commentator.
We totally got it.
Also, we reached a goal.
We did.
Where did we reach that goal?
On Patreon.
Everybody, you're awesome.
Over on Patreon.com slash dumb dragon cast.
We have goals that we set so that we can do, uh, tangible things for the podcast
as well as special bonus things for our patrons and our listeners.
And, uh, when we reach this goal, uh, we now have the ability to, uh, sign up for
a program that will allow us to transcribe our episodes with much greater ease.
So it does the bulk of the work.
And then we just need to go through and fine tune it, which is very cool and very awesome.
So thank you, uh, for being a patron and thank you for listening and spreading the word about us.
But you know what I really like about this goal and about having a service that can transcribe
is that we are becoming more accessible for, for others.
For sure.
It's something we've talked about for so long and there just wasn't like a tangible
way to do it.
Then the longer we wait, the more difficult it became.
And it was like, oh, this is a never ending cycle.
But now we have a service that we can do that and more quickly just between the four
of us and whoever else wants to help us out, send us an email in there and just edit it
quickly and cleanly and hopefully quickly and cleanly.
Well, that that's yet to be seen.
Um, but then post that up on our website and wherever we can and, you know, more
people can come listen to us or not listen to us, but enjoy the podcast in another
way.
So thank you.
Um, also part of that goal.
What do we get to do everybody?
We just decided in our latest gook hang hang out.
Don't say that.
You're setting that up for failure right there.
Don't you do that to people?
We are doing a character swap episode.
Yes, we are.
Are we saying what the specifics?
Absolutely.
Okay, let's do it.
Who's DMing?
Cause that got put in the hat too.
I rolled the lowest.
Surprise, surprise.
It was still a good roll.
It was still a very good roll.
It was a 69.
So if I'm going to roll low, might as well roll sexy low.
Nice.
That's right.
And sexy low.
Is that what it was for?
I don't know.
Um, sexy low.
And I will be DMing because of it.
So Amy, give us a little insight onto what you're going to plan.
Well, I just got these bitch and dice.
So I plan on killing everyone.
Thank God.
This is non-canonical.
Non-canonical game based on that alone.
That alone.
But then that means Tom and myself and Carla all got different characters
because we didn't allow ourselves to play a character that we've already played before.
Oh, now hold on.
I'm the DM.
Russ, what's your character?
I get to play drum roll moot.
How do you feel about that?
I feel really great about it.
I'm going to have to brush up on my moodisms, my note taking,
my.
Just write a lot of things down.
While magicking.
Calm your shit downing.
I will calm my shit down.
Everyone will be thusly surprised if Russ ends up not completely fucking everything up
and going wild.
Bat shit crazy.
Moot is a wild magic sorcerer.
It's built in.
I know.
I mean, wild is in the title.
Yes, but does Moot feel that in his heart?
Going on.
Tom, who are you playing?
I am playing the one and only Sullivan Slate.
Yeah, you are.
Do him proud, buddy.
How do you feel about that?
I need to think of a lot of jobs that I've done.
And then just bring them up whenever you want to.
Yeah, just slide them into the conversation.
Work on your accent now.
Oh, boy.
Yeah, that's going to be a tough one.
I'm going to have to just binge episodes of the podcast to get it down.
Just isolate.
We'll have a little training session.
Yeah, I can send you just her tracks throughout that whole thing.
Perfect.
Carla, who are you playing?
Well, to round out the cast of our two little baby level two characters,
I will be playing an ancient dragon.
What color?
Brass, bronze, copper.
These are all the same color, you guys.
They're completely different metals, Carla.
Oh, my God.
I will be playing, yes, copper dragon.
So I am so excited to see how Amy makes that work
because I'm very powerful.
I don't know any of my stats.
It's all a fun surprise.
It's Tazmakella.
Tazmakella.
Tazmakella.
Now, you may remember Tazmakella from the Dragon Council episode
played by one Katie May of Dungeon's Dice and Everything Nice
who stole a certain bag from Thea.
And Amy's not at all mad about it.
It's fine.
Yeah, and Moot and Sully get to team up with an ancient copper dragon.
That's right.
I love it.
It's going to be gold.
Patrons suggested who they wanted in the hat for us to pick who got played
and that's what came up.
That's what we get.
So if you become a patron at the $5 level or higher,
you'll be able to hear that coming up in the next month or so,
month or two, depending on when we can get scheduled to,
well, when Amy can plan it and then when we can schedule it.
Seven months later.
No, we got to do it quickly.
14 years later.
Look, this isn't Austin Powers, OK?
The year is 2071.
The players have grown old.
But no, thank you everybody for that.
Visit us at Patreon.com slash dumb dragon cast
to check out all the details about that and our upcoming goal,
which is another character swap where we're putting all new names in the hat
and it's going to be super awesome.
So thank you.
And now we'll get you back to the episode.
Have a great week.
And down in the cavern, you moot and wise master me six are
you're practicing now.
You're getting into it.
Describe to me how me six is
how you are interpreting what he's telling you.
Also, I'm Sully.
You moot and master me six.
You moot and master me six.
Yeah, but then you're not talking to me.
I didn't say I was talking to you.
You moot.
There is too much of a pause to sound like you moot and master me six.
And I'm like, wait a minute.
What?
Because I was specifying who was the you who was the you in that moment.
You mean this has nothing to do with me.
You presently are a lost cause in this moment.
So he said.
I start to organize the books on by size.
Sorry, I start to make a fort.
What did you say before he jumped in?
Describe what you're interpreting from how he's teaching you how to do mage armor.
Yeah, I kind of I got the feeling from wise master me six that
it's like you gather energy and it kind of coats your body with it,
thus protecting you.
So it's like grabbing.
I don't want to say like particles, but yeah, grabbing like bits and pieces of energy and
kind of creating a second skin, if you will.
OK, now you go practice over there.
I'll push books on you later.
OK, sounds great.
He picks up the walkie talkie as he previously heard Glim's call and he pushes it.
Yeah, what's up?
Well, the people inside one of them knocked.
They seem to know you.
Those are the battle wizards.
Don't let them in.
They don't seem very badly.
That's how they lure you in with their ability to seem like they're completely
incompetent.
OK, can you can you explain why do you have a feud with them?
What's it seems?
What do you want to know?
Well, why are they?
You knew they were coming enough to put up a notice.
They're trying to get the information before I can get the information.
Um, OK, they don't seem very.
OK, is that music in there?
And I put the walkie talkie away.
How do you how do you how do you know me six?
Well, we kind of created him explain.
Well, where we're from, you can push a button and it creates a me six.
If I open this door, do you promise I'm not going to have to kill you?
I would greatly appreciate it if you didn't kill me.
Well, I don't want to have to, but I will if I have to.
Oh, OK, I'll try.
Do you need me to I'll keep my hands out of my pockets.
OK, I'm going to open the door.
You're not going to come in.
No.
OK, so I'm going to pull up my war pick.
So I look very intimidating when I open the door and I'm going to walk out.
And I guess like almost close it behind me as you step out.
You see beneath his beneath his hood, you see his face and it's a small
it kind of looks like a teenage boy, red, curly hair.
He's got his hands up as he as he described and he sees you step out
and he's like, Whoa, that's just a great crap crap crap.
Big dog, I need help.
Maybe you could take the hood, take that all the way down.
He takes the hood down.
Yeah, no, I you're you're you sound a lot nicer than than you look.
You look scary.
Well, I am very strong.
So, I mean, it's I have a destiny.
It's we don't need to get into that right now.
We have a destiny, too, and it's to stop me six from doing what he's supposed to do.
What is he supposed to do?
Well, he was given a task, which was to learn everything about this world before anyone else.
Oh, but you said you're not from this world.
No, we kind of found ourselves here.
Me six was created, and that was the first thing that came out of the people's mouths.
We were with they were trying to be funny.
But if he learns all of the things that he could learn,
he could cause serious damage before he learns everything else.
I'm so confused.
Where where are you from?
Oh, we're from a place called not here.
Is that near not a library here?
Very close.
Actually, the poor I mean, the the the the hallway is very near there.
OK, so what do you want to do?
You want to take Mr. Meeseeks?
The taller figure walks over and he's like, look,
we just need to get the Meeseeks.
And and then we'll be on our way.
And you are and I turn and look very intimidating.
Well, as as my friend here,
Kat Silverson said, I'm Grandpa Big Dog.
So, Kat, is it?
Yeah, Kath, Kath Silverson.
And Grandpa Big Dog, you say?
Yep, Grandpa Big Dog.
That's that's what they call me.
OK, well, maybe you could take your hood down, too.
All right.
He takes his hood down and there's an older man
and he's got very wild and crazy white hair,
a bit of drool coming out of his mouth,
takes a sip from his flask as he does.
So he says, look, I can show you how we create the Meeseeks,
but then we've got to be able to take the Meeseeks.
We've got to we've got to be able to get rid of it.
Otherwise, it could cause the end of your world.
So you're going to make another one?
Oh, yeah.
Don't act exasperated with me.
I think you're the one creating all of these problems.
You're not wrong.
Yeah, you're not wrong.
He kind of creates a shush.
If it will help you, I will create a Meeseeks,
give him a small task and he shall disappear.
I see.
OK.
He pulls out a gray box with a giant red button
and he says, here, push it.
I'd rather not.
All right.
Well, I would have seen how much you were willing to play along.
He holds it down to Kath and he says, just push it.
And Kath pushes the button and out of nowhere,
another Meeseeks and he says, hi, I'm Meeseeks.
What can I do for you?
So just give him a small task.
Oh, could you pick this up?
And I pick up a pebble and throw it on the ground.
Boy, can I.
He reaches down, picks up the pebble and hands it back to you.
Here you go.
Great.
Thanks.
He takes the pebble and he says, all right, bye now.
And he's gone.
I see.
So you told this Meeseeks he needed to learn everything in the world?
Me specifically, no.
The people we were drinking with, yes.
Hmm.
Well, that seems like it was a very bad idea.
We cut back down to Sully and Moot.
And you see Sully throwing books at Moot.
Right.
I was going to say, can I just be hucking books?
Yeah, that's great.
Look at you guys go.
And you see him, you see Wise Meeseeks reading through books behind you
as they're kind of coming in.
He's scanning through them.
Are the books hitting me at all, Russ?
Or have I figured it out?
Is it like 50-50?
Yeah.
How do we want to determine if this works?
For a first little while, I'm going to say they hit you.
OK.
How hard do they hit him, Sully?
I mean, he would just be lobbing them at me, I think.
Not like overhand spiking or anything.
Well, well, it's Sully.
That's why I asked Sully and not Moot.
It's hard to say.
Should have been more specific.
I think at first, there were a couple lobs.
And I think that it was almost like a fun game of catch.
Like I, you know, underhand toss one, right?
Moot would catch it and be like, oh, not yet, not yet.
And then I'd start to pick up pace.
One after the other, after the other, after the other.
And he would lose track of them.
And then I think I was just starting like a dodgeball fight.
But you got caught up in it.
It was so exciting.
I did.
I got all swept up.
OK, so yeah, the first few, they make it past
and just hit you square in the chest.
And then they, you know, he begins going fast.
A couple start to work and they glance off of you.
Come on, you got to get angry.
Yeah, you got to get angry at it.
Come on.
You got to do this under high pressure situations.
You can't be knowing when it's going to be coming.
And then they start just rapid firing at you.
And a few of them like hit you in the face and the arms.
But as you get maybe angry, you tell me how you get
as they start actually hitting you.
Don't you wish you were a real wizard?
I get like an almost zen-like calmness that's going on.
The books aren't affecting me whatsoever anymore.
And I've achieved mage armor.
They begin bouncing off and flying off of him.
And Mesix is like, yes, you did it, one who can't read.
Thanks, Vice Master Mesix.
This is boring now.
The books continue to filter in and then slowly begin to stop.
And as he's quickly scanning through them,
he reaches the last book and he says,
Well, I feel like that's all I need to know.
And he puts the book down and then stands there for a moment.
And nothing happens.
No.
Well, how about you two come with me
and we've got to go find more to learn.
More to learn?
Yeah, well, we haven't learned at all.
Look at all these books.
There's still apparently something to know.
Do we have to go back up and get more books?
Well, this should be all the books.
I told them all to come follow down behind us.
Well, wait, let's, well, okay, now hold on a second.
Are you going to like secure them in here
so that your angry wizards don't get them?
What about that book that you wrote?
Do you have a copy of that?
You wrote a book?
I did not write a book.
Well, he orated it, right?
Yes.
I gave a few ideas to someone else who was writing a book.
Really?
Yeah.
What was your book about?
Uh, Gross Jobs.
Interest me.
I just listed Gross Jobs.
Walk with me and tell me about all of your gross jobs.
Okay, so I already mentioned Banya Masebeta.
As your list continues on,
the three of you walk back out of the cavern
and he, like, with a swipe of his hand,
the dirt begins to mold back around the room,
so securing the books inside.
You begin to head back upstairs where we cut back to Glim,
who's speaking with Grandpa Big Dog and Kath Silverson.
He's like, look, we just need to get past you.
Do I hear that at all?
I do have the door slightly ajar behind me.
This, like, chamber closing in on itself?
They were down the tunnel.
Down the tunnel.
They're walking back up the tunnel now.
You've heard less movement of books.
Like, you could hear, like, the books dancing across the room,
but now less movement of that.
And he's like, look, we just need to get past you.
Yeah, I'm not going to let you pass me.
Hold on.
Oh, we can take care of the Mesecs.
And are the books all gone now?
The books are all gone.
OK.
Do I see or hear them yet?
You hear low muffled noise, the sound of Sully.
So they're, like, a ways away still.
Yeah.
OK, I'm going to open the door again.
What do you mean you're going to take care of the Mesecs?
What are you going to do to the Mesecs?
As you open back the door, you see that Grandpa Big Dog's hand
is on something, and he kind of sneaks it back into his robe.
And he's like, we're going to get rid of the Mesecs
before he learns absolutely everything
and can rule the world before he learns.
OK, we're going to stop the Mesecs
before he almost learns everything
and then can rule the world trying to know everything.
But if he knows everything, won't he just, like,
disappear like that other one did when he picked up the rock?
Yeah, but it's what happens as he's trying to achieve that.
What do you got in your pocket there?
Mesecs box.
What does that mean?
So you're not going to kill him?
You're just going to put him in a box?
I mean, that's eventually where they go,
is they go back into the Mesecs box.
And it's not going to hurt him.
I mean, can a Mesecs feel?
I didn't even know a Mesecs was a thing.
This is very interesting.
Yes, yes.
So Mesecs don't feel anything.
I forgot.
I should have led with that.
Mesecs, they're here one minute, they're gone the next.
And that's all you need to know.
And we're just here to clean up the mess of somebody else.
OK, I'll be back in a second.
I'm going to go back inside and close the door.
And open the door again.
Can you guys keep it down out here?
I'm trying to work out a situation.
Maybe like stay a bit hidden or something.
What?
OK.
Master Mesecs?
So you have to put your finger where?
Oh, yeah.
So like right up there and push the hemorrhoids.
Oh, hey.
Hi.
Yeah.
Looks like you got all your books moved.
I did.
I was just learning some very interesting things from your friend here.
I bet you were.
Sully does know all the most interesting things.
I mean, he told me 99 jobs out of 100 job book.
What was the last job?
Oh, a bitch ain't one.
Oh.
Oh, you see him kind of stop and puzzled as he kind of you see his eyes roll back
into his head as his hands move up.
And it's almost like he's trying to count, but he has mitten hands.
So it's like he's counting one.
Just one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, zero, one, one.
And then he pops out of existence and his robes drop to the ground.
Oh, God, I broke Mr. Mesecs.
Sully, what did you do?
Well, guys, I think.
Sully, I think.
I think you saved the day.
What?
No, that doesn't sound like me.
From the list of jobs?
I just finished telling him about how to put hemorrhoids back into a person.
I'm not entirely sure that that is anywhere on par with saving a day.
Well.
Unless you're that person who's getting those hemorrhoids pushed back in,
because let me tell you.
I'll explain everything, but.
And I opened the door.
Did we come in yet?
Are the guys still there?
Yeah, oh yeah, we're still here.
Well, great news.
Great news.
Good.
He disappeared.
Yeah, I destroyed the blue guy.
Are you sure he disappeared or didn't learn to teleport and is now just somewhere else?
Well, how could I possibly know that?
Can I come in?
Well, his robes fell to the floor.
Wouldn't a teleporting person take their clothes with them?
Look, sometimes with teleportation or time travel or anything like that,
sometimes your clothes can't go with you.
But if you let me come in, I can do a quick test and then we'll be done.
Okay, well, grandpa big dog.
That's me.
Grandpa big dog.
Bad ass name, my man.
Bad ass name.
Hey, don't make-
Are you going to make me have to kill you?
If I let you in here, am I going to have to kill you?
Because I'd really rather not.
Look, you can't kill me.
You might be able to kill Kat Silverson over here,
but you're not going to be able to kill me.
I mean, I like your confidence, but.
Okay, come on in.
He steps in and like pushes past you and like stumbles up the stairs.
And the three of you see him pull a device out of his pocket.
It's got like a sign reading that goes across of it.
And it's got lights up on the top.
And he's looking at it.
He's like, yeah, okay, Seth,
Kath, it's time to go.
Music's gone.
All right, grandpa big dog.
Do we got to clean up anything here?
No, these people won't understand what just happened.
Where did he go?
Uh, back home.
Back home.
Are you guys going to go back home now?
Yep.
And you see him pull what looks like a small crossbow out of his hand,
only it's like a very shiny steel.
And he points it at the ground kind of near you
and fires it.
And then this green wash of energy comes out over the floor
and he pushes Kath in and says, all right, time to go.
And Kath goes, ah, and he jumps in behind him
and the green wash of energy sucks up.
And grandpa big dog and Kath Silverson are gone now.
What the fuck just happened?
So, I don't even know if I can explain.
They created him.
He was created to complete a task.
They made a different one for me.
He did a task and then he pooped, disappeared.
And then, but they told this one, why is master music?
He had to learn everything in this whole world.
That's why he wanted all the books.
And he needed to get all of the knowledge in the world
before he had completed his task and he could disappear.
So, Sully,
your incredibly important hemorrhoid knowledge
was the last thing in the world he hadn't learned.
That's amazing, Sully.
So, I think your key string saved the day.
It does more times than you can imagine.
The intro music long road ahead is by Kavin MacLeod
of incompetech.filmmusic.io.
The song Rick and Morty Remix is by Leslie Y
at soundcloud.com slash L-E-S-L-I-E-W-A-I.
All other music, sound effects, and ambience
can be found at epidemicsound.com.
A huge thank you to our supporting producers Christian Brown,
Creighton's Raven, Devin Michaels, Gabriel Lynch,
Jacob Madden, Joshua Dixon, and Cat Waterflame.
To become a patron, visit Patreon.com slash dumbdragoncast
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Today's patron.
I didn't write it down.
Thank you, I didn't write it down.
We find Moot, Glim, and Sully standing out in the street in front of a house.
Did you just kill someone, Carla?
What happened?
Rach, is that?
I'm sorry.
I had my phone and things kept making noise
and it wasn't my phone but it was making me paranoid it was my phone.
So I tossed it gently onto my chair that is outside of my booth
and it landed and then bounced not gently onto the floor.
So that was the face.
I'm very sorry, Rach.
We've made it three seconds into the episode.
It's okay.
I messed it up first by not having the patrons.
It's fine.
Okay.
Dumbgeons and Dragons is a Dumb Dragons production.